Deadpooling For Twilight

'Um, Can you hear me? You there...Yes, I am talking to you...No, No...Don't close this page yet...Hey, don't even think about calling 9-1-1...Or, I will kidnap your dog and feed it to my cat...I have a big cat...Forget about that last line, my cat is allergic to dogs....Anyway...Wow!...You, must have a lot of free time...I forgot to introduce myself...Bond, James Bond!...Too cliche'd...How, about Bourne, Jason Bournde!...Or, simply Pool...Deadpool...Ha, Ha....Bonzai Mother...Hey, I never mind my language....Only, if Ryan Reynolds is playing me than I might have worked under a PG - 13 movie.....Whoa, look at how many words I wrote...Hey, Reader do you want to be mystified? Rattled? Dazzled? Satisfied? Well, if you are a female reader contact me...Only, ATTRACTIVE FEMALES...See, there is emphasis on the word 'ATTRACTIVE'...I prefer Redeheads...Ok, So I am going to tell you a story...The story is about our ANGRY YOUNG OGRE...............HULK......When, he met those...Can, you call them vampires? I don't think they are vampires...Whatever, they are! They are sparkly, they are white, and they are vegetarian!...Huh, Who wrote this script?...I bet a any guy named, 'Mohit Sharma' could write or even invent better poetic thoughts than this garbage. Oh, yes Hulk meets Twilight.'


Bella - No, It's too late!

Edward - I wanted to tell you this earlier, Bella....

Bella - OMG...This, guy likes other guys!

Edward - I can hear you. I am standing right here. Infact, I don't need you...Okay...I have fell in love with someone else...His name is....

Deadpool - Intense moment...See, this folks...I always knew he was not a vampire.

Bella - You are telling me you are H..Vomo...Fine, I am going with Taylor Swift...Er...Lautner.

Edward - His name is Jacob!

Bella - Obviously, you would know that. Should have known that you roll on the other side after you refused to bite me...Go, watch some Ricky Martin video you Vomo.

Edward - Why doesn't anybody let me come out of closet?

Deadpool - After, Bella leaves with Jacob, Edward puts on a Ricky Martin video while bringing a knife closer to his wrist...SHIT...This gay...Ahm!...guy is Emo too...And, all those times I read Twilight in Toilet...Augh...Let's see what Hulk is upto.

Bella - Good job boy. You are an amazing dog. Brownie points for that jump.

Jacob - I am not a dog, Bella. I am an werewolf.

Bella - Where Wuff? That's a terrible breed. I am going to call you Swiftner. A mix - up of Swift and Lautner.

Jacob - Sh! Hear something.

Bella - It's probably some animal using nature's resources. After all we are in Potty Fields!

Jacob - The voice is becoming louder...Hide me!

Bella - This is becoming a mystery. You are a guy, go check where the noise is coming from.

Jacob - I am not a guy...I mean, I am not going to go...You, go. You go girl.

Deadpool - UGA BOOGA BOOGAAAAA! Gotcha. Well, not really. You are just reading. I think the mystery sounds are not a mystery at all. I am going to go get aspirin. These, Twilight people have given me an headache. You, keep reading.

'SPARKLY PEOPLE, DISTURB HULK'S POO - POO TRAIN....HULK ANGRY.'

Jacob - It was her. She did it. I am just a dog.

Hulk - AAARR...Ahu - Ahu...SPARKLY PEOPLE EVEN TOOK HULK'S UNDERWEAR...HULK SMASH.

Bella - Give, him back his underwear.

Jacob - I don't have your underwear. Look, at your size. It won't fit me...Well, I could use it as a substitute for my broken trampoline...Ah, I can buy you a new one. Which, brand do you want? Gucci, Armani....Hmm...K - Mart?

Hulk - HULK BREAK WHITE BOYS AND GIRLS NECKS.

Jacob - I ain't white....I am original...Aboriginal...Native...Yaa, Maaan. Hoy you doin maaan. I am Babbu Maan..

Deadpool - Ha, Ha...The, guy is trying Jamaican accent!

Bella - Bacon, that's not native accent.

Jacob - Huh...Oh, I am Indian...Sorry, not white.

Hulk - INDIAN RESTAURENT GAVE HULK SPICY FOOD. MAKE, HULK CHILLY POO - POO TRAIN....HULK MORE MAD. HULK SMASH INDIAN BOY.

Jacob - Ahhh...He, broke my ribs.

Bella - He, didn't even touch you. Just, keep backing away. Animals, usually go away.

Hulk - HULK JUMPPPPPP!.

Deadpool - Ouch...Nice, Voilence Hulk. That scene was classic from all points...Yea, folks its a wrap - up...I think, I should use this underwear as a bed sheet...Yo, give me my paycheck for narration....By, the way I have set up a time bomb in your house..Ready to go in 3, 2, 1...Boom...Ha Ha!...That was just Gobar Gas...Kudos...Ciao!

Karanwa aur Rahuliya Ka Jalwa

Warning : Apne, Riskwa pe padhat...Humre Trendy Baba poon - poon kar ke phathat!

Jeth ke mahina ma, humre Babbu Laal Maanuandi ke mann ma bulbula uthat hai!...Seedhi, bhasha mein kahein toh Trendy Baba ne apne writing career ko ek naya platform aur ek naya Topic Idea dene ke liye, movie banane ki sochi. Ab, har state ki N.G.O.'s se nikale jaa chuke Baba ko finance kaun kare. Isiliye, humare Mohit Pandey Jee, shuru karne jaa rahe hain unka 'Bhojpuri Adventure'.

Trendy Baba - Lo, mere Prasadon, MurgaBang2008 Agarbatti ka dhuan prasad samajh ke satak jaayo.

Rahuliya - Agarbatti peeche karo. Main, yeh Movie, South mein apna career start karne ke liye kar raha hun. Zada, Aye - Waye kiye toh Bye - Bye kar dunga.

Karanwa - Baba, ek hi toh gora banda hai yahan. Usse, bhi dhuan laga ke kaala banoge.

Baba, pehle se hi Diabetes se lad rahe the. Isiliye, risk na lete huye unhone shooting shuru kar di.

Trendy Baba - Agarbatti....Doorbin....DISHUM - DISHUM!

Karanwa - Tu, itna pyar karat hamra se. E, hamra aaj pata chalat. Tohra komal haathon ke sparsh se gora patthar bhi kaala padat hai. Ab, der na kar zaalim, jaldi mantar maarat de.

Lo, idhar Baba ke Bhojpuri Dostana ka pehla din. Aur, pehle hi din mein Karan ne apni Bhojpuri Acting ko ek kuaan de diya.

Trendy Baba - Jaldi se Dialouge de Rahuliya.

Rahuliya - Mohra......

Trendy Baba - Paapi, tujhe dialouge nahi dena ek chote puppy ki pappi kar ke, Karanwa ko dena hai.

Rahuliya - Tohra ke manli hum aapan sajaniya....Tohre, se humra ma pyaar bhayal ho!

Trendy Baba - Hain! Dusht, gaana kyun shuru kar raha hai. Pehle, Karan ko puppy de.

Par, Rahuliya par toh jaise sakshat Ravi Kishen chadh chuke the. Usse, toh Karanwa mein apni Nagma dikhane lagi thi.

Rahuliya - Mohra, jab - jab naada dheele howe...Tujh, jaisi dulhaniya usse sil dayi ho.

Gaane ki do lines ho gayin thin aur baat Trendy Baba ki wig ke upar jaa chuki thi.

Trendy Baba - Kenchwa....Kenchwa....KENCHWA..

Rahuliya - Jab, hamri Whisky mein barf jaaye pighaliya...Tohre, John Abraham jaise nakhre dekhat ke din ki bahar bhayal ho.

Trendy Baba - Mera, battha baith jaayega..Koi, iss Bhojpuri Sonu Nigam ko band karo...Nineyanwan...Ahm!...98...Bunty98.

Bunty98 - Kya Baba? Seedhi - Seedhi bhasha mein, 'Cut' nahi bol sakte the.

Trendy Baba - Kitni, der se Kenchwa bol toh raha hun. Accha, suno.

Bunty98 - Oa!

Sound Manage kar rahe Bunty ne apni dhoti tight kar li. Trendy Baba ki Gobar Gas se lathpath chappal, Bunty ke haath mein aa chuki thi. Rahuliya, ke pyaar ke pravah se almost khatam ho chuki reel mein ek - do shots abhi baaki the. Aur, yahin Time tha ek perfect, End karne ka!

Rahuliya - Tohra, Jiya mein hume dikhat hai Nagma....Tak - Tak karat humri..........SUNGH!

Karanwa - Oh, Rahu......SUNGH!

Bunty ki Gobar Gas se sughandhit chappal ke sateek nishane ne, Rahuliya aur Karanwa ke Bhojpuri Duet par silayi maar di.

Bunty98 - Tera, jhute khaanda lak ni.....Lak - Tunnu - Tunnu - Lak - Tunnu - Tunnu!

Trendy Baba - Shabash! End waala Punjabi Monologue zabardast tha. Kal ko hi release hogi picture. Aur, har khidki toot jaayegi. Saare, Bhojpuri OSKAR tumhe hi milenge.

Abhi, Baba ka lecture shuru hi huya tha ki Camere ka sheesha toot gaya.

Bunty98 - Aaahhh!...Mera, munh...Matlab, meri naak jal gayi.

Trendy Baba - Sorry, woh thodi Gobar Gas baaki thi.

Trendy Baba, ki Movies ke liye aur Actors ki zarurat hai. Kripya, Contact karein.

टूपी - टूपी, टप - टप!

नील शर्मा के एडिटर दोस्त आये,


'नमस्ते!' बोलते ही ठंडा - गरम खाने को जीभ लप लप हुए जाए.

अब पूछेंगे सब का बायोडाटा,

अरे, कोई समझायो इन्हें, खुद का लड़का पांचवीं फेल फिर भी दूसरों का ही छापना होता है परचा.



फटाक से बोल पड़े, 'कहाँ है आपका छोटा बेटा?'

'जी, वो कविता लिख रहा है', आया जवाब,

'उसकी उम्र क्या है?'

'अभी ६ के हुए हैं छोटे नवाब!'

'क्लास में भी आता है फर्स्ट या कविता लिखना ही है उसका इंटरेस्ट?'

'जी, उसे तो ना द्राविड या दादा बनने की है चिंता...

लोलीपोप मुंह में दबाये लिखता रहता है कविता!'

'यह तो हो गया ज़ाकिर हुसैन वाला 'वाह',

'जी, काहे का वाह, कविता लिख - लिख १० - १५ कापियां हैं भर डाली..

और, प्रेशर के टाइम में भी कॉपी उठा कर चला जाता है शुरू करने पानी का प्रवाह...

अब, नितिन को कौन समझाए...

गिल्ली - डंडे से किसी की आँख न फोड़े, ना पतंग के पेचे लड़ाए!'

'शर्मा इतना भी मत बनो शय - शय,

तेरे घर फरहान अख्तर है बैठा,

फिर भी तुझ जैसा जावेद युस ना करे दये,

अब, तू मस्त होकर पि बौर्न - विटा,

कल, तेरी तन और मन की शक्ति बढ़ाएगा वाई - फाई.'



रविवार के दिन ६ बजे ही नील शर्मा के घर इक्कठा हो गया मीडिया,

शर्मा जी, ने दरवाज़ा खोला और मीडिया को भागने का ढूंढने लगे आईडिया.

'यहाँ, लंगर होने वाला है या है यह भक्तों की टोली,

थोड़े कूल - कूल होकर आयो, बाथरूम जाने की मेरी अब आई है बारी!'

मीडिया वालों ने खुला दरवाज़ा देख कर अन्दर धावा बोला,

बम - बम बोलते उनके पीछे जा रहे शर्मा जी का दिल रिंगा - रिंगा डोला.



लो, जिस महान पोएट को ना जागने के लिए शर्मा साहब सबको इशारा कर रहे थे की बोलो आहिस्ता....

वो, नितिन शर्मा ने तो शुरू कर दी थी अपनी कविता.



अब, शुरू होंगे मीडिया के सवाल,

नील शर्मा जी के लाल - लाल हुए जाएँ गाल.

इससे, पहले पूछा जाता कोई सवाल..

नितिन ने मुंह में डाल लिया लोलीपोप, और बोला.

'ओ अंकलों मुझे किड्नाप करने आये हो?...जल्दी, करो पर पहले मेरा स्कूल बैग उठा लो!'

'बेटा, इमरान का करियर लुटने के बाद, आमिर ने हम से रनबीर की किड्नापिंग की शपथ है खिलवायी....

तुम्हे कविता लिखनी कबसे आई?'

'ऐसे, बेतुके शब्दों को फिर से जोड़ कर अगर बनाया तुम अंकलों ने सेंटेंस...

निरूपा रॉय की कसम, तोड़ दूंगा तुम्हारे तेलेविसीन सेट कूद के तुम्हारी फेन्स!'

'मगर.....'

'कविता के बारे में जानना ही है तो लोलीपोप का लायो डब्बा..

साइड, हटो मुझे जाने दो बाथरूम विद माय डब्बा!'



नितिन की लोलिपोपों की लोटरी लग गयी,

और फिर नितिन बोल ही उठा...

'अरे, अंकल्स कविता मेरी कविता का नहीं मेरी गर्लफ्रेंड का नाम है...

ये, आदात मुझे मुकेश भैया ने है डाली,

क्यूँ की उनकी गर्लफ्रेंड का नाम है दीपाली.

पर, आप लोगों ने मेरी लोलीपोप की लोटरी लगा दी,

लो, एक कॉपी ले जायो,

इस में मैंने कविता है भरी हुयी,

अगली, बार आयोगे तो ले के आने तंदूरी नान के साथ चिकेन बिरयानी!'